Can Know

I don't need to tell you, because you know already.

Stop

I am stopping because holy spirit is telling.

Whatsapp

Recently, many friends try to hook me up to use Whatsapp,
so they could talk to me.
I simply told them I won't have one,
because I am too poor to get a smart phone.
Yes, because of money, I can't be friend with them.

唔係咁

現在知道以前唔係咁
係因為未睇得夠通透
我到識講以前拉。

Justice and Right

Every time Peyton Manning dish out real justice,
It push me to work and live right due to my fear.

If God dish out real justice,
what would his justice push me to do? 

Simplicity is Beauty

If we too simple, then you don't get the basics.
Simplicity is Beauty. 

Too many people think our personal thoughts bring too much confusion and destruction.
No one want to see any destruction.
So we stop expressing our complicate thoughts, and simply talk about what we see.
And now some ppl start saying we are not friendly enough,
because we stop sharing personal stuffs.
because simply stating facts are boring. 

You FOOLS, stop fooling us and yourself to feed your little pieces of curiosity.
These little pieces of curiosity definitely don't worth of any destruction coming.
Shut your foolish curiosity down.

By the way, you all could say whatever you want about this and that
when you all don't believe me. 
I'll just stand firm on my point.

If you don't believe me, stop asking me additional questions.
Prove my stand point invalid with evidence.   

  

Let the truth be told

Be true to let the truth be told.

Disappearance Act

I love to do this recently.
I purposely just mute and hide myself.
Not that I love to anti-social.
And of course I love all of my new church peers dearly. 

It's just I realize that my disappearance will make everything better.
I keep telling myself in the public lately,
"I here suppose to be a helper, not a cancer."
Sometime, I purposely mute myself,
so I won't say anything to hurt people.

And so far, so good. 

Not for Granted

Don't get take for granted,
but usually we take it for granted,
because it come as given.

I therefore keep telling me this - 
It is...

not easy to find good people
not easy to find good people who is good in music

not easy to find good people who is good in music and want to jam

not easy to find good people who is good in music who want to jam Christian songs

not easy to find good people who is good in music who want to jam Christian songs and still living.

Friends!!

One of my most memorable conversations on Gchat so far.

Dilemma

In some people eyes, I am too smart.
In some people eyes, I am too dumb.
I just want a simple job jeh...

My real mid-festival should be this

Getting born in the state of Mississippi
Poppa was a copper and my momma was a hippie
In Alabama she would swing a hammer
Price you gotta pay when you break the panorama
She never knew that there was anything more than poor
What in the world does your company take me for?

Black bandanna, sweet Louisiana
Robbin' on all the bank in the state of Indiana
She's a runner, rebel and a stunner
On her merry way saying baby what you gonna
Lookin' down the barrel of a hot metal.45
Just another way to survive

Chorus:

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest
Yeah, yeah
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/r/red_hot_chili_peppers/dani_california.html ]
She's a lover, baby and a fighter
Should've seen her coming when it got a little brighter
With a name like Dani California
Day was gonna come when I was gonna mourn ya
A little lonely she was stealing another breath
I love my baby to death

Chorus:

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest
Yeah, yeah

Who knew the other side of you
Who knew what others died to prove
Too true to say goodbye to you
Too true, too say say say

Push the fader, gifted animator
One for the now and eleven for the later
Never made it up to Minnesota
North Dakota man was a gunnin' for the quota
Down in the badlands she was saving the best for last
It only hurts when I laugh
Gone too fast

Chorus:

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest
Yeah, yeah

California rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California show your teeth
She's my priestess, I'm your priest
Yeah, yeah

Moneys in my mind

jobs/drum/bass/guitar/parents/basketball/running/coke/redhotchilipeppers/homeboys/fantasy nba/celtics/reading/nfl/blog/lilwayne

Give and Take

When I don't have a life, I have a lot of friends who continuously back me up no matter what.

When I get my life back, all of them are gone for whatever reasons.

Some are gone because of sickness or fatal incidents. I think this reason shock me the most, because we are just 22, 23 or 24. Can't believe I already have to attend funerals of my friends that soon.

Some are gone because of their lives and future. This is my favorite reason. I wish they could reach their dreams one day. And then we could get together with some beers and look back our past, which include all the laughs and tears, together.

Some are gone because of what I had done. Well, this is a shadow reason. I just have to say you can't know me deep enough.

Some are gone because of who I am. You know what, I always try to be the best, which is more than trying my best, in every subject I got involved in. If you hate me because I work hard. Sorry, I have to choose my strict work ethic over you. Things will only get worse if I am slacking off. I have to work hard just to keep things the way it is as long as possible. Yes, I know things will be gone eventually, but I want to see it's gone because of God's will, not my laziness.

NBA 2K11: Michael Jordan in New York

Just for personal reference.

Fear or Right Call? or Fear of a Right Call? Part II

Holy Spirit is right again. Should step back and let others figure these things out. I was too exciting and done something they don't really enjoy. Worse, some criticized and complained what I had done. I am now at the worst situation since 09. No one really trust me here. No one really allow me do anything I want here. They basically just care what they want to do and what they want to see. 

My Church just want me to be a quiet, and uncreative Christian machine, who will do the same old boring things every week. Well, in ICCF, my UIUC Friday Fellowship, we do the same old boring thing such as worships and bible studies every week. I don't feel boring about it, because we put our hearts into it.

Every Tuesday, we pray for the whole fellowship planning and our brothers and sisters.
Every Wednesday, we pray and prepare for the Friday bible studies.
Every Thursday, we pray for every worship team member, our serving heart and the congregation heart during music worship session.
These practice experiences made me grow.

Now, I'm l just learning how to keep me low profile while not bothering finishing their plan. I pretty sure, they will work better and grow faster without me. I feel so out of place there now. I feel like my effort there earn nothing but extra suffer and disrespect. That totally don't feel like home. It feel like another workplace. For example, when I done things right, no one said anything or even a Thank You, but complains come immediately when I made "mistake" (I quote and quote it, because I don't admit that is a mistake). What kind of place will have such communication style? Only workplace does. Worst, and DAMN, I don't get paid for doing these. 

My Mom just want me a money earning machine.
No PS3/Acoustic Guitar/Drum. Allowing me going to Church and having a Bass Guitar is already her limit of toleration.I think she already forgot how desperate she was when I was still in the States. I always pray my God give me more time and love on this. I want to nurture my mom not to look at money too heavy. Art and music could give us a happy life too. 

This is really hopeless. Especially, after I rejected the Master Program Offer from UIC. I probably need to live like this for 3 more years in order to have some minor improvement. Can't get a proper Urban Planning job unless I have 2-3 urban planning internship experience. However, I expected i will have similar complains even I am in UIC since these are exactly what I had gone through at Chicago 3 years ago.  

I think the main question is What make us act like this? Why UIUC aren't like this?

ai...................

Mistake?

Besides sports, no one ever told me that I made a mistake.
That really touch my nerve when I read this.
I need a retreat. 

Strange and Strong

Yeh, my personality is strange and strong.
That's what happen after people push me to work and practice as hard as I could.

No hard worker is perfect, even the most dedicated football player in our generation,
Peyton Manning, have some strange moments. 

I'm not blaming anything.
I'm just telling why I'm strange and strong.

If you don't want me and ur kid act like that.
Stop push us to work hard,
but I can't guarantee it will lead us to have a better life.

By the way, if strange and strong personality could exchange for a better life,
it's not a bad deal right?
Like we are not committing any crime,
we are just acting strange to keep us away from typical routine. 

People nowadays are just watching me, and they can't see me.
Anyway, I don't need them to see me.
This is not even a mission or a single task in my to-do list.

I just want to be a blessing and good facilitator, so more ppl could be saved and get into our Heavenly Father Kingdom.    

Perhaps

It was something I wrote during last year summer.

If I could start my life all over again,
I would do everything the same.
And everything would end up the same.

Quit thinking and saying what if we did that by that time.
It's impossible.

Why we say perhaps anyway?
because we think better decisions will make our lives more comfortable?
Isn't our life comfortable now?
Didn't our Lord gives everything we feel comfortable already?

Why we say perhaps anyway?
because our characters are not good enough?
how good can I be as I live without you, you and dad and mom everyday?
(And your presence is of course very important since you know my weakness and solution to fix this through your complain.)

I'm good at

I realized I kinda good at saying a lot of sense at one time to overwhelm ppl.

I have to do this for my mom

I am going to keep this here because blogspot keeps stuff better than Facebook.

On Sep 4, 2012. I ask mom a really silly question really seriously.
Me: Mom, what do you want when I got rich one day?
Mom: let's talk about it once you got a job.
Me: No Mom, what do you want when I got rich one day?
Mom: let's talk about it once you got a job.
Me: I want know now, so I won't spend any money on something else. And I ended up with no money to get something for you. 
Mom: 我要同你地環遊世界.

::::Mom, this is what I gonna do for you when I got rich:::::

Fear or Right Call? or Fear of a Right Call?

Recently, some ppl in my church want to utilize me to revitalize their group passion in fellowship bonding and church serving quality.

At first, I am happy to see that. well, I am happy to do some positive thing at church.
However, later on, as I pray, I heard some kind of warning from the holy spirit.

He told me the followings:
Remember 4 years ago?
Remember your extra Jireh Retreat experience in 2008?
Remember that you pray carefully and try to do everything right, but still being sacked by your close friends and family members (yake, even when I type this now, the pain is sharp), because the beginning purpose of this serving position is wrong?

I immediately remembered, RIGHT, I basically lost 3 friendships that I once was highly regarded.   Right, I could simply defend in this way, "if 3 highly regarded friendships was lost due to such reason, it's better to lose it sooner than later." However, the pure truth is this: I am the one who started the fire to burn these friendships. And worse, everyone start hating me afterward. I think now ppl don't hate me as much as before, because they started having mercy on me...

At the midst of these groups of thoughts, I also questioned, is it coming from my fear? or from my holy spirit? My personal take on this: it should be from my holy spirit, because I forgot these experiences for a long time. Therefore, I shrink this time. I don't let myself to step up this time. I let all of my responsibilities go this time, because I don't like hate the feeling of being hatred and losing.

Stuffs from Dad and Son Talk

Earlier tonight, dad suddenly kinda explain why he ask me to come back.
Mainly, mom and dad don't want to see me living without any family member anymore as I did in the last five years.
And they believe this home will bring me back my happiness.

I immediately thanked my dad wholeheartedly,
because I realized how much they love me,
And I really don't deserve it.

Along with all the other thoughts and questions that were desired to be answered for the last 3 years,
even though I realized this is something I shouldn't and couldn't love,
I'm happy for this permanent return.

Mentally Burned

I am mentally burned.
Rest isn't the way to get me out.
I need to be very tough again. 

White Snow

Bad temper stays me clean.
Self-talking keeps me clear.

Whether Help?

Whether help?

Don’t take too much if they are going return anything.

Take that as spiritual lesson to learn how to hold my spiritual fruits,

So I won’t let such precious gift goes.

During Jesus incarnation, he healed a lot of ppl despite of knowing them with couple minutes.

Jesus is still willing to help them without looking for something return.

He just wants them to set their FAITH to Him.

What if no one help?

My parent will help, they will help,

but I know some time they can’t help.

What if my parents can’t help?

God will help I know.

Real Dream

Last night I have a real dream.
I try to hold her hand,
and she slipped her hand out immediately.

Even my dream is being real to me.
Even my dream told me what will my dream really be.
Even my dream told me it won't happen in my dream. 
Even my dream told me that's no such a dream. 

Stop dreaming nothing,
save some time and cultivate for something real. 
ah...

Nevertheless, I laugh so hard when I woke up.
I can't believe my dream itself is such humanness.

Sacrifice

When it takes me too long get up and too long to fall down.

It’s time for me to move on and let someone else to take over.

I will give none of my sacrifice back to you,

because I love tomorrow.

Don't remember me and take what I had there. 

Love

I am tire of him.
So I just love him according his standard.
Not our standard.

Minor Stream

I know what I care is no matter in my friends' mind,
so I don't belong to the majority.

But that's arite, as long as we all trying to love each other.
I don't mind to be here awkwardly all the time.

White Snow

Bad temper stays me clean.

Words IV

When the deed miss the mark of a word definition,
such word means nothing to me.
It just whole bunch of letters crashed together for some familiar sounds.
Then, I usually will laugh when I hear, because I think tat's funny. 

What keep our Good Stands?

Trust and Integrity

Deed III

Nowadays, for non-survival deeds I only do them if it qualified all these requirements: 
1. God is ok for me to do it.
2. People would be please if I do it.
3. I like to do it.

Otherwise, I won't do it.

Nightmare

In my opinion, 

Sacrifice our sweat for others pain - HARD
Sacrifice our blood for others pain - SUPER HARD
Sacrifice our lives for others pain - This is way too much!!!
Yet, other Lord Jesus Christ already give his sweat, blood and even lives for other pain.
At least, we know that our nightmares will be over someday in the future,
and more celebration are coming!

Deed II

Recently, I always feel I was love not because of me but my deed.
and I am being hated because of me and my deed.

I know, I know. I am such a sinner.

New Year Resolution

My New Year resolution is:
Speaks less, works more.
Speaks unless I really need to.

because that is what I believe now.
This world would be just so much better without my trash funny words.

Is it means to be broken?
or mean to be change?
Remember here, in God eyes, we are not perfect.
And in some situation, we might forget or have to break our commitment because we have to.
A commitment still need to be made.
It's about progression, not perfection.

At least, I have a mind set to tell me to be silent due to extreme circumstances.
Better than make no commitment and keep abuse myself and ppl who I love.